If I could do it for them … Motivation the dark side

I will admit to something . I have gained a bit of weight in the last months of 2014. Part of it was the simple good food of it all , part of it was me being away from home and dealing with a mad stressful situation and part of it was nothing is harder than working out in the cold when you are already unmotivated by circumstances. so now the 10 lbs I was trying to lose has risen to 25.

I have had a hard time motivating myself . I have the a fitbit and a Jawbone UP24 ( yes I have them both) and I invite people to add me to their teams because competition does help me but that does not help with the other thing. The other thing is eating , specifically boredom eating. I look at women with tiny tight bodies and think I can do this then I am confronted with fudgy brownies and I decide that it is overrated and unfeminine to be muscular. in other words I fill my self with crap . literally and figuratively ..sorry.

I then thought about the times when I lost a great deal of weight . the first was when I was 26 and lost 60 lbs in about 4 months. yes. 4 months. How? How did I do this feat of magic that left people that had seen me in month one scratching their heads at month 4 ?  it was hate. yes. the most toxic thing ever . HATE. I found out that my ex was a cheater and a liar ( both things are exclusive) and I decided that I had to be so hot that he would want to kill himself over me. it backfired because he actually kidnapped me and trying to force me into a marriage because hate is a bad thing but the point i started with was that I did lose 60 lbs in 4 months.

The second time was spite. I had lost weight and had gone from a size 16 to a 10 and someone asked me if I was a size 20! A FUCKING 20!  So I immediately lost an additional 20 lbs and landed in a size 4. take that bitch!

So i thought about those things and realized that I am not a difficult motivation person I just need something that makes me dig my heels in . and this time I decided that if I can do these things , that I have to stop saying that I am unmotivated. I am very motivated. and If I can do these things for hate and spite I can do them for me. I can decide that I love myself as much as I hated my lying cheating EX and the woman at the store. Here is some of my tricks .

  1. Mantra ; yes it is hokey. It is also effective.”If I could do it for them I can do it for me”  has  stopped me from diving head long into late night eating more than once.
  2. substitution. I have to say this , JIMACA IS NOT FRENCH FRIES!!! If one more website suggests that I eat a sliced Jimaca when I want fries I will scream. That having been said if you must eat having something friendly to eat is helpful. like olives or pickles.
  3. affirmations . Mantra’s bigger hokier brother but again effective. a nice lively round of ” I is good , I is smart , I is important ” really does help you not to finish off a pound of … well a pound of anything really. eat by the pound can’t be healthy.

These have been my things to replace the whole hate/spite thing and so far it has helped me tremendously.


Who put all these bones in my butt?

Weight Loss (novel)

Weight Loss (novel) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

as I have stated, probably ad nauseum, I have lost a lot of weight. The problem this week is my weight loss has slowed and changed which is fine because I am working out. But I feel like this is the body I’ve never had before. like all the things I’ve known about my body, the way it works, the way it reacts to things, and the way it looks are all different now. some of these things are positive, I can run more, I’m not as tired, and in some ways I look better. But not all of these things are positive, my face is thinner, but that makes me look a little older, my breasts are smaller but that makes my stomach look bigger. Where I use to feel chubby but firm I now feel skinnier but flabbier.
I’m just complaining, I’m working on it. I found a few things on Pinterest that are helping but I just had to say something today because I do feel like I’m stranger in my own body.

There have been times when I would sit down as I have always sat down , like someone basically pulled the pins in my knees but without  the extra added padding on my rear-end , I get a jarring and often painful jolt of bone to chair contact. It is shocking and weird. This is not the butt I am used to having.  This is me , but it is a stranger me, and a strang-er me.